i loved you first

its been a secret
and i left it
my heart is bloody
and rotten
kicked to death and forgotten

i want to bury it
but i can't
i want to shove it in your hands

above they are builders
its not a glass house
or a chapel
perhaps a sepulcher

i haven't been this dark in a while
i could have forgotten
every smile

i can't help but rhyme

are they building a monument to every failure
of lost chances
upheld hands
empty glasses
my collections
worthless
ashes to ashes
its one of those moments

wet coughs
wet eyes
dry mouths

longing for something to feel

god damn it
god damn it
all to hell

can't escape it this time
can't out run you

what would it be like
if i never let you in
who would i be now

writing to survive
i've got to get it all out or it'll eat me alive
i loved you first
i loved you first
i know i'm awful
full
full
up
excuses
and sickness
and endless drought
i'd doubt you forever
i'm a rushing river
changing

different fish in my stream
different dreams
i can't make it make sense

i'm the desert
i'm the sea

i'm an ocean of sympathy
i'm a vast heat that eats your tears

i'm a definition of all your fears
ridiculous
and
ridiculing
circling
encircling
drilling
down in hopes of spring
hoping
for a rebound
hoping for health
or just a joy
one simple sound
what if it never comes
keep saying its
ok
it's going to be ok
but i'm there
i'm lost
again
looking up
from the hole
from the forest floor
can't find an original thought

just the hope that i can write it out
spinning webs
need to be forgiven
need a house to live in
need to need less
to want less
to be more
this will get better
this can not
last forever

i broke my heart